Watching BBC3s documentary Is breast best?  last night got me thinking.  So many women want to breastfeed but face difficulties in the early weeks which lead to them having to stop.  Many of these women wrongly feel that they have failed. These women have not failed,  but the system and society has failed them!  If we want to see increased breastfeeding rates and a more positive attitude to breastfeeding in this country then we as breastfeeding mothers, health professionals, and activists need to step up and serve women better.  We need to give them the support, information and confidence that they need to succeed.

During Pregnancy.  

Women do not need to be lectured about the benefits of breastfeeding.  Everyone knows that breast is best, and telling people over and over again is not all that helpful. I believe pregnant women need to be given accurate information about breast and bottle feeding which enables them to make informed decisions.  Pregnant women need to be given realistic expectations about life with a newborn, they need to be told what breastfeeding is like, how breasts work, when their milk will come in and the physical and emotional results. They need to be told what colour normal breastfed baby poo is too!  They need to know that it is normal for babies to feed lots and lots in the first few weeks and that this settles down with time.   Mums need to know that at 6-8 weeks baby will have a growth spurt and feed loads, and that every month after that the same thing will happen again.  They need to be shown how to hold baby to feed, and that their are different positions which may suit them better than others.  

Most of all though pregnant mums need to be exposed to breastfeeding. They should be encouraged to attend a breastfeeding support group or antenatal workshop (with a real baby present) where they can see another mum feed, ask them questions about what its really like, and generally get used to seeing babies at the breast.  Not only does this help mum get a realistic idea of what breastfeeding will be like, but it gives them a contact point to go back to once baby has arrrived.

After Birth.

Getting breastfeeding off to a good start is fundamental.  In hospital mum needs care from a trained midwife/breastfeeding supporter who knows what they are doing and has a positive attitude towards breastfeeding. Getting the staunch formula feeder who has no knowledge or interest in breastfeeding is not helpful.  Mum needs someone who cares about her breastfeeding success to sit with her, spend time helping her latch, and keep helping until she gets it right.  Hovering with a bottle will not help mum gain her confidence!   Mum has her part to play too - asking for help is so important.  Yes midwives are always busy, and yes it feels bad buzzing them when you see them running around. But it is their job to help women breastfeed.  You have a right to breastfeeding help and you must ask if you are struggling.  If its hurting when you feed then you need help, don't just perservere thinking it will get better, chances are it will get worse if you don't deal with the cause of any pain quickly.

The first six weeks.

Leaving hospital and coming home is when the fun begins!  The first few weeks are incredibly hard for new parents with a whole lot of learning to do on the job.  Added to that are recovery from the birth, hormones, sleep deprivation, visitors outstaying their welcome, and  a whole host of other stuff going on.  During this time mums need to forget about the world and focus on getting to know their new little ones.  There is no rush to get out, or to get back into your jeans.  This is the time to hang out with baby and learn to feed together.  In the first couple of weeks health professionals call round to visit, this is a brilliant time to ask all those little questions about feeding.  However stupid you might think a question is, it is far better to ask then sit alone worrying about it or worse still google it!  I think we as mums often rush through the early weeks with baby, we want all the family to come visit and we want to get out and about with baby and this can really hinder breastfeeding. Asking visitors to entertain themselves or better still do the dishes whislt you escape to feed and rest is really helpful.  There's nothing worse than your gorgeous new baby been passes around by well meaning visitors bouncing and jiggling baby when all baby needs is a feed, especially when your boobs are getting fuller and fuller by the minute!  

With my first baby I was told that if I got through the first six weeks, breastfeeding would then get easier and its true the first 6 weeks are the worst, survive and you'll never look back.  Remember though the key to getting through those first six weeks is getting help, and been supported.  If you are feeling pain on feeding, don't feel comfortable with your latch, or are getting more and more anxious about facing feeding in public then go and talk to someone, call your midwife or health visitor, or a breastfeeding helpline, or go to a local support group. These people are here to help and as I've said before if you don't deal with these problems they will only get worse.    

Long term support.

One of the greatest things I ever did as a mum was join a breastfeeding support group. Its not one of those hippy, middleclass or pretentious types you sometimes hear about.  Its normal mums just like me, who love breastfeeding. At group mums find friendship, they find women with children of the same ages, they meet mums one step further along the parenting journey to learn from, and realise that they are not the only one who is sleep deprived and covered in baby sick. Yes mums get professional health advice from our group, but more importantly they find (I hope) a community of women who will support and care for them through breastfeeding and beyond. In groups you get to see tiny babies feeding, big babies feeding, and toddlers feeding - and all of those feel normal.  At group women share the horror stories, the funny stories and the stories that make you want to cry.  Good breastfeeding support groups should provide those elements of parenting that we miss out on these days due to no longer living near our extended families. I appreciate thought that theres along way to go and many areas are not as fortunate as here. 

9 years later I still go to support group, my babies are all grown up and breastfeeding is become a distant memory, so now its my turn to be the supporter.  It's now my turn to tell mums that in 6 months or maybe 3 years they will rediscover sleep!  It's me that can share my weaning stories and its me who can say if I had my time again I wish I'd done certain things differently.  Mother to mother support whether that be for a few weeks or for many years is what mums need, not just for breastfeeding but for every aspect of parenting. I really do believe that it is because of group that I succeeded in feeding my babies for as long as I wanted.  As mature breastfeeders we can supply that support to mums in our families and communities and its through those relationships that we really can make a difference to breastfeeding rates and the duration women breastfeed.   

Going back to work.

Going back to work can be really difficult for mums.  What would help many is having more employers who support and encouraging breastfeeding mothers.  Mums need rooms to express, not toilets and not a partition pulled round them in the middle of an open plan workspace!  They need fridges, washing facilites and all the practical stuff sorted out for them.  More than that though they need to feel that their feeding is valued, they need to feel every part the professional despite the breastpump stored under the desk. They need their bosses to affirm them and acknowledge their hardwork and commitment to work and baby.  Employers benefit greatly from breastfeeding, mums have less time off with poorly babies so save them money, and feel happier in their return to work when they can continue to provide milk for their little ones. A good supportive boss is more likely to find women returning to work after after children and will be rewarded with loyality from their breastfeeding staff members.    

Stopping breastfeeding.    

And when the journey ends mums still need support, whether they stop after a month, 6months, 2 years or longer, mums need to be supported through the weaning process.  Some stop because they feel they have to, others because they feel the time is right.  Either way giving that last feed is a emotional time.  Mums need to be told what a great job they have done, that every feed they have managed has benefited baby and themselves.  

I want mums to stop breastfeeding because they want to, at the time that feels right for them,  not because their choice to feed was removed by a society who are ignorant, or health professionals who are not trained enough to help.  Most all I never want a mum to stop breastfeeding because they didn't feel able to ask for help.  There's a lot of guilt tied to motherhood, and so many women carry totally unnecessary guilt because they think they failed to breastfeed, and that is so sad.  These women are not failures, they are not worse mothers because circumstances stopped them breastfeeding.  But we as a society have let them down.  Information, support, and honesty may well have extended their breastfeeding journey.  As a society we just need to grow up, and deal with boobs.  Breastfeeding is normal, healthy and lovely and those of us who survive and live to tell our breastfeeding tale, need to get out there and normalise breastfeeding again. We need to be advocates for our fellow mums and provide them with the support they need.  Maybe then we will see breastfeeding rates increase in this country. 

(Is Breast Best?  Cherry Healey Investigates was shown on BBC3 on Tuesday 13th April at 9pm.  You can read Cherry's blog about the show at http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/tv/2011/04/is-breast-best-cherry-healey-i.shtml )

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Finding out your pregnant with baby number 2 is an exciting time.  But it can also be a nervous wait with lots of questions: How will I cope with 2 little ones? Will I love them the same? Will big bro or sis be jealous of the baby?   For parents with a small age gap one of the big issues in the early months is working out how you will juggle feeding the new baby with a toddler to look after.

Second time around you have the confidence and experience to know what you're doing (hopefully!).  You know how to breastfeed, what it should feel like. and where to get help with problems.  You're also already primed for the sleepless nights.  But there are new challenges:  How do you breastfeed with a toddler demanding your attention, climbing all over you, asking for snacks, or strangely needing the potty every time you sit down to feed?

Boobdudes is here to help with 10 Top Tips for happy toddlers during breastfeeding:

1. BE PREPARED.  Before you start to feed get everything you think you might need to hand. Keep the door or stair gate closed so no one wonders away out of sight.
2. HAVE A SNACK READY.  You can guarantee that as soon as you start to feed a little person will decide they are thirsty or hungry so grab a drink and snack for them before you start to feed.  Grapes or raisins are great because they take time for little fingers to eat.  If its near lunchtime try settling them down with their lunch next to you whilst you feed.
3. STORYTIME.   Keep a few favourite books ready to read together at feed time.  Toddlers love snuggling in next to mum so its an ideal time to look at a book.  Ask them to hold the book or help turn the pages.   Or keep a favourite episode of Peppa Pig or or The Night Garden in the DVD player ready to switch on.  If they only get to watch it at feed times it becomes a treat.
4. SPECIAL TOYS.  Keep a small basket of different toys or puzzles that you can get out at feed time.  You could even let your big one choose a special toy or teddy themselves that they get to play with whilst you are feeding.   Little girls love to sit with mum and breastfeed their dolls.
5. PRAISE AND ATTENTION: When baby is asleep or content to be put down lavish attention on your toddler.  If they are getting quality mum time between feeds they may be happier to play independently whilst you are feeding.  Praise them for playing nicely whilst you are feeding and talk to them about what they are doing as you feed baby.
6. A SPECIAL JOB.  Making your big girl or boy feel a part of caring for the baby really helps.  Involve them in baby's care by giving them little jobs such as getting a clean nappy from the bag, or choosing baby's clothes for the day.  Praise them for being kind to baby, and tell them how much baby loves to watch them play.
7. ACCEPT HELP.  It's hard to accept help sometimes, we have this built in guilt mechanism that says if we ask for help we aren't coping, or we should be able to cope with baby because we've done it all before.  But looking after 2 little ones is hard work and if you have visitors make the most of them being there. If they ask if you need anything doing don't hide the mountain of washing up, get them to do it!  It will give you more time, and energy, for both your little ones. In the early days when people come to meet the new baby ask them to play with your toddler first.   Then they can have a cuddle with baby later on.  If they bring presents let your toddler open them and make sure they get a few treats too.
8. GO OUT.  It may sound ridiculous when you're totally exhausted, and it can be a major operation getting 2 little ones out the door some days, but going out makes a big difference.  Go to toddlers, storytime, an any other groups you can find.  There are always plenty of mums eager to cuddle baby whilst you play with your toddler, and willing hands to care for them whilst you feed baby.  Plus it tires them both out so hopefully they will sleep and let you get some rest later in the day!
9. TALK.  Even very young children can understand a baby's need for food.  Explain to your child simply what baby is doing and why, let them see how the baby feeds.  If you breastfeed them tell them about what they did when they were a baby and how you enjoyed feeding them.  For slightly older children you can explain how good mummy milk is for babies, that it keeps them healthy and helps them grow.
10. ENJOY.  Time flies so fast so enjoy the special relationship you have with your little ones.  Before you know it the sleepless nights will have ended and you'll be waving your little ones off to school.  Having 2 little ones is exhausting and probably the hardest stage but the rewards of a close age gap will be reaped as they learn to play together and become friends.  It's amazing seeing how siblings grow and develop together.

A mum's view.

"I have breastfed both of my children past my one year goal, although surprisingly I found it an easier experience with my first child. With hindsight I think this was because it was an entirely different experience. With my firsts child I had all day to sit and feed and devote all my waking moments to her every need. It was such a wonderful experience, one which I was eager to repeat. However when number two came along, a completely different personality, I was at first disappointed that the experience wasn't exactly the same. On the whole she was a constant snacker, 5 minutes on and 5 minutes off, I really felt that all I did was feed. I'm not sure whether this was just her style or whether she had developed this style due to the fact that I no longer had hours to sit on the settee and feed to my hearts content. I spent the first few months consumed with guilt, my first child was no longer getting the attention that she had previously had and my second child was not getting the attention my first had had when she was a baby. However my second was thriving, although slightly smaller than my first and not putting on weight quite as rapidly as her sibling, she was however a very happy child who actually sat up quicker and crawled quicker than her sister. After a few months the guilt eased and we found our own way of coping with the demands of two children. While I fed,my elder child would breastfeed her dolly and cuddle up with me and I found rather than trying to please them both separately I could please them together. I also found that I could breastfeed everywhere doing anything, there were many times that I breastfed holding my baby with one hand and making crispy cakes with the other. Painting was also fun, and I found if I covered my baby up with a towel the she didn't get splattered in paint by an over exuberant 2 year old. I look back on the whole experience and really cherish each different experience, it taught me a lot as a mother and also gave me lots of laughs and stories to tell my children when they grow up."

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Readers of my previous blog will know all about my battle to regain some sleep. Along the journey of sleep deprivation I've learnt a few tips to maintain my sanity:

Keep it in Perspective

When you're in the midst of endless nighttime feeds and the expected weeks of no sleep have turned into months remind yourself that your baby will sleep one day.  Whether its a few months, or years of disturbance eventually your little one will sleep and in years to come you'll soon forget how exhausted you were. They really are tiny for a very short amount of time.

P.M.A. 

Sounds cheesy but a positive mental attitude really does make a difference - at the worst moments I reminded myself of why I was up feeding all night long.  Breastfeeding really is the very best thing you can give to your baby and night feeds provide really good quality milk for baby. By feeding in the night I was maintaining a good milk supply.   Also the risks of SIDS in breastfed babies are lower- mum and baby mimic each others sleep cycles, coming into lighter and deeper sleeps at similar times. And as I said in my previous blog, when your day is filed with older children, housework, and work its lovely to have a few quite moments each night with your little one.

Change your sleep habits

The biggest lifeline I found was going to bed early and napping.  I set myself a no jobs after 7pm rule -(not always easy I know, the mountain of washing up often got left until the next day to be tackled).  With no responsibilities I could put the kids to bed, get my own pjs on and be in bed by 8pm.  Very sad I know but the sleep I got in that early evening time enabled me to survive the multiple get ups later on in the night.   

Napping in the day is really hard when every bit of you feels the need to use the time baby is sleeping to clean, and catch up on adult time. It's even harder when you have a toddler in the house too. With my daughters I was lucky enough to coordinate their nap times - toddler got put to bed then me and baby snuggled up for a feed and sleep.  It was lovely.  I know I was lucky though and such perfect timing doesn't always work out.  Once my toddler stopped having naps we introduced dvd/book time - on the days I really needed a rest (which to be honest was most of them!) we curled up together with a duvet and watched cinderella, not sleep but a good rest none the less. 

Accept Help 

Accepting help is not easy especially if you are a proud independent type like myself, but allowing others to take your toddler to the park, or to cook you a meal, or watch the baby whilst you have a nap really helps.  Letting hubby, or mum or a friend take charge on the weekends letting you have a lie in or a nice soak in the bath makes a massive difference to your ability to cope the following week.

Get out and about

Again it sounds a little crazy, when you're exhausted the last thing you want to do is go out.  But it really works.  Get dressed, pack your nappy bag and bundle the kids into the buggy. Even a short walk round the block does the whole family the world of good.  If you make it to a toddler group or breastfeeding support even better.  You get to chat to other mums going throught he same stuff, have a brew (if health and safety allow it!) and get some extra pairs of hands to help you out. Friends can entertain your older kids whilst you have a sit down or feed, and there is never a shortage of broody women willing to have a cuddle with baby too.  

I wish I had the knowledge and experience I have now when my first was little -I wasted so much time worrying, and fussing,and trying to make my baby sleep, had I simply accepted that breastfeed babies don't normallysleep through the night, and that it is normal for them to wake, I would have been so much happier and more relaxed.

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